Ask Maya: The Case Of The Comfortable Boyfriend

Dear Maya,

My boyfriend never wants to do anything. He plays video games all weekend long. He works a lot during the week, so I understand, but he never wants do anything on the weekend. How do I get him excited about going out and doing things with me?

Thanks,

Liz, 27, Brooklyn, NY

Dear Liz,

It’s important to have mutual interests and activities with your partner. This is a common dilemma that occurs with couples who’ve been together for a long time; in a sense, the honeymoon phase is over and each partner gets comfortable with where the relationship stands because no one needs to woo the other any longer. If this is a newer relationship, you might be in trouble. Take a step back and analyze if you’re in the right relationships.

No matter what stage your relationship is in (including when you’re married), you have to continue to grow together. The easiest way to do this is by doing activities that you both enjoy together. The less easy way to do this is to do things that other person likes to do (while making sure they’re also sacrificing as well). In the end, it’s about balance.

Here are some tips to help you with your dilemma:

1. Make sure to communicate with him your concerns. Don’t attack him though, and don’t sugarcoat how you feel.
2. Try to find a videogame that you both can play (I enjoy Guitar Hero, and I don’t like videogames either)
3. Suggest an activity that you know he enjoys or wouldn’t mind participating in. It’s important to suggest an activity before leaving it open-ended. Have a couple activities in mind in case he rejects the first one.
4. Ask him to participate in an activity or event that you’re into (eg: let him know you want to see The Nutcracker ballet, and it’d be nice if he came along)

During this process, remember Rule #18: “Don’t Expect A Man To Change or Try To Change Him”.  If he doesn’t budge, maybe he isn’t Mr. Right. If he truly loves you, he’ll be conducive to your requests.

Dear Maya,

I’m dating a guy who lives about an hour from me. We see each other several times a week, the problem is I always end of driving to him. I don’t mind the commute that much except it would be nice if he came to me once in a while. Every time we make plans for him to come to my place, something comes up and I somehow end up at his place. What should I do?

Thanks,

Marcie, 33, Culter Bay, FL

Dear Marcie,

You’re spoiling your boyfriend. For you to drive that distance several times a week, it’s clear to me that you love him; the question is, are you showing him that you’re too willing to make that drive? In all established relationships, there should be a fair balance of give-and-take. At worst, he should be driving just as much as you’re driving. Ideally, he should be the one making the bigger sacrifice.

Start telling him you’re unable to make the drive, and see how he reacts. It’s also important to tell him how you feel about the driving situation; communication is key.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, don’t let this situation make you break Rule 22: “ Don’t Live With A Man (Or Leave Things At His Apartment)”

Dear Maya,

I’ve been dating a guy for a month now and things were going really well! We totally hit it off but then suddenly this past week he’s been so distant. It’s like pulling teeth. What gives, should I end it?

Thanks,

Laurie, 38, Coral Gables, FL

Dear Laurie,

Thanks for the question. There are a lot of things that could be making your man so distant. First answer these questions….

1. Are you positive he isn’t married? (see Rule #23)
2. How sure are you that he’s not seeing other girls?
3. Do you know his job or family situation?
4. Has the intimacy dropped off?

These questions will help you determine the issue. Also keep in mind, it’s only been one month. Maybe you aren’t compatible and the magic is lost. Make sure you analyze the relationship and see if it’s worth it to keep continuing. If it’s a rollercoaster now, just imagine months and years down the road.

Rule #34: Love Only Those Who Love You

If you have a question and want to be featured in a future blog post, email your question to me at contact@rewardingrelationships.net